By Dr. Don Dunlap
Pastoral Counselor
In order to forgive parents children must acknowledge the offenses they have committed against them.
Family Counseling Ministries -
Many children feel resentment toward their parents, but they deny the fact that they have allowed a root of bitterness to grow in their hearts. In Article Dr. Dunlap explains that it is necessary for children to list the specific ways that their parents have hurt them. Then children can thoroughly forgive their parents before God. This article is a checklist to help children identify the ways that parents typically offend their children.
Listed below are some of the offenses that parents typically commit against their children. As children read through this list, it is a good idea to check the items that apply to their individual situations. Then they should use those items as a guide to specifically forgive their parents.
I forgive my parents for:
___1. Imposing discipline that they later wished they had not imposed
___2. Calling me names in an attempt to correct me
___3. Not always encouraging me to be all that I can be
___4. Often being inattentive to me when I am speaking to them
___5. Sometimes implying that I am stupid for not already having certain knowledge or information when they are instructing me
___6. Not attempting to understand the reasons why I get angry
___7. Failing to instruct me when I have been disobedient
___8. Not allowing me to make an increasing number of decisions on my own
___9. Nagging me to coerce me to do things
___10. Not allowing me to feel the consequences of my mistakes
___11. Belittling me to other people (brothers, sisters, family members, friends, etc.)
___12. Not allowing me to enter into adult conversations
___13. Failing to accept and respect the differences in temperaments and personality traits between my siblings and me
___14. Punishing me in anger
___15. Disciplining me inconsistently
___16. Seldom asking me for forgiveness
___17. Not encouraging me when I am disappointed or discouraged
___18. Speaking negatively about my friends
___19. Using sarcasm as a means of discipline
___20. Not requiring me to make restitution when it is appropriate for me to do so
___21. Spanking me in front of other people (siblings, friends, other family members, etc.)
___22. Not helping me appreciate my unique abilities
___23. Not showing the same courtesy to me that they show to others
___24. Threatening to perform certain acts of discipline, but failing to follow through
___25. Frequently overreacting to me or to situations
___26. Sometimes being out of control when they spank me
___27. Losing their tempers in front of me
___28. Not often encouraging and supporting my personal interests
___29. Resorting to yelling and screaming as part of their method for controlling or disciplining me
___30. Withdrawing their affection from me after disciplining me
___31. Not praising me when I choose not to repeat a bad behavior after I had the opportunity to do so
___32. Failing to pay me frequent compliments
___33. Holding a grudge against me
___34. Saying with the tone of their voice, Go away. I dont want to be bothered.
___35. Not making clear who the leader is in our home
___36. Using a lot of emotionalism to solve problems in our home
___37. Not usually hearing or accepting my ideas and suggestions for problem solving
___38. Not usually allowing me to have my own opinion
___39. Sometimes playing favorites with my siblings and me
___40. Sometimes not giving me the attention that I need
___41. Sometimes making me feel less important than other people in our home
___42. Sometimes using intimidation as a disciplinary means
___43. Not giving me the opportunity to learn to pray by listening to their prayers
___44. Being inconsistent in reading Christian literature aloud to me
___45. Being inconsistent in their personal devotional time
___46. Seldom using the Bible to make decisions in our family
___47. Seldom praying together as a family, except at mealtimes
___48. Not having regular family devotions
___49. Not regularly witnessing to lost people
___50. Not memorizing Scripture together as a family
___51. Not consistently teaching me the biblical principles for living an obedient Christian life
___52. Not having a good understanding of how my needs change, as I get older
___53. Not knowing my friends names
___54. Rarely having time to play games with me
___55. Not spending time individually with me, doing things that I enjoy
___56. Not looking me in the eye when I talk to them
___57. Not expressing appropriate physical affection for me by hugging and touching me
___58. Not telling me that I am special to them
___59. Not pointing out positive character qualities that they see in me
___60. Often varying their approach in how they deal with me
___61. Seldom telling me what to expect from them
___62. Seldom sacrificing personal time in order to be with me
___63. Not being as involved as they should be with my discipline
___64. Not making an effort to keep the romance alive in their marriage
___65. Not making an effort to maintain a good relationship with one another
___66. Hitting me in anger
___67. Not taking an active role in my education
___68. Not touching or hugging me every day
___69. Not telling me on a consistent basis that they are proud of me
___70. Not being a good role model for me
___71. Not consistently modeling the kind of behavior that I should imitate
___72. Not responding calmly when I say hurtful things or when I act disobediently
___73. Not teaching me how to respond if I disagree with them
___74. Not making an effort to improve their parenting skills, by attending classes, reading books, etc.
___75. Bribing me with a reward for good behavior, such as, If you behave well go to McDonalds.
___76. Check any number below that applies to you:
___77. I feel as though my relationship with my parents is hopeless
___78. I dont settle disagreements with my parents quickly enough
___79. Im afraid to get involved in a close relationship with my parents
___80. Im afraid to let my parents know who I really am
___81. My past mistakes have damaged my relationship with my parents
___82. I feel as though I am my parents slave
___83. Im afraid my parents will abandon me
___84. I do not feel that my parents accept me or understand me
___85. I sense a distance in my relationship with my parents
___86. I do not communicate with my parents
___87. I do not feel as though my parents are on my side
Dr. Don Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete library of Dr. Dunlaps articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries. Family Counseling Ministries is a Christianity.com ministry Partner.